Expectations.

Speaking of expectations…I hope you don’t have any about this blog. Because I don’t really know what it’s going to be about yet. My friend and blog-mentor Bekah asked me what I wanted my audience to be.

No clue.

What are you writing about?

Wait…I’m supposed to KNOW this? Oops…might have jumped the gun a bit on rolling out this blog thingie.

All I know is I love to write. For me, it’s healing. It makes me be real and transparent because for some reason I can’t lie on paper. And hopefully it makes me better because I’m living my life in front of you, my reader. It’s kind of an accountability thing. AND…it keeps me from sitting in front of some mind-numbing show on TV. So forgive me while I figure out all the whats and wherefores of this thing. I, and it, are a work in progress. I will be honest with you, reveal my brokenness, make up words, and talk about how often I have to ask for grace.

Okay, so back to expectations, and the subject of today’s blog. In my last post I shared that it was the anniversary of my mom’s passing and that my family was getting together to…I don’t know…hang out. Celebrate isn’t the right word. We did that. And it was really nice. But it wasn’t what I EXPECTED. And therein lies the problem.

I didn’t even realize until the next day that I had expectations of what that night should look like. All I knew was that it wasn’t THAT. Hear this; I love my family, I always love being with them and this is not their fault, it’s mine. Why, why…did I feel like it was a missed opportunity? Because I expected everyone there to feel exactly the same as me. My dad and my siblings are really wonderful, loving, warm, and caring people and I adore them. But they’re not the same as me. They all miss Mom, but in different ways than I do. Because we all had a different kind of relationship with her. Not wrong/right, just different. We are different. So how could I possibly be disappointed?

Because expectations are dumb. They set us up for disappointment. In others, events, circumstances, church, even in Jesus. We’re just people…flawed, imperfect, misguided…how can we possibly please everyone at all times, in all circumstances, forever and ever? That’s not our job. I think our actual job might include something like acceptance and grace for each other’s differences. Not judging. Being kind, not critical. Loving in spite of (insert their specific flaw here), as others love us, in spite of (insert our specific flaw here). Jesus ALWAYS loves us in spite of our flaws, but if it doesn’t look exactly like we think it should, do we doubt his goodness? He promises to provide, but what if it doesn’t look like we expect it to?

There should be a label on the invitation to every person, event or circumstance in life. Warning: High Expectations Could Result in Disappointment, Stress, Dissatisfaction, and Prolific Amounts of Joy-Stealing. Just Don't Do It.

One of the things I really-truly-in-my-heart-of-hearts hope for this blog is that there is one person out there that is in the same place as me, and needs to know that even though we might need to change, we’re not alone in our need-to-change-ness. That we can work together to find our specific flaws and weaknesses, and pray for each other. As I process my mistakes, hurts, failings and limitations in this public forum, I will be compelled to be better. To live my life open-handed, without expectations that no human could ever meet. I’m pretty sure I’ll screw it up. My hope is that calling it out in myself will be a heart-check, for next time.